reaction

Ryan is enjoying the response to his announcement, both in blog format and on Facebook which has resulted in as much attention as he was expecting.

As for myself the response has been muted, if there has been any, but it’s by my own design. I’ve told three people at work the honest truth, and one person the convenient truth, by way of testing out how that diluted reality would hold up to questioning. I was satisfied with the results. But as Ryan prepares to leave I grow more anxious about the whole scheme.

I feel like a dip even talking about this, because how many thousands of people who bid their loved ones goodbye every single day for military service or incarceration or the like, for far longer than the four-to-six-to-eight weeks that Ryan and I are facing? So know this at the outset: I’m a complete weenie when it comes to the idea of being separated from my love for what may be the remainder of the summer proper. But still, commence whining: I’m going to miss him! How will I survive? I really love him! And I truly like him more than anyone else I know, with all due apologies to my blood relatives, but isn’t it the highest of blessings for your husband to also be your best friend?

The most surreal aspect of this for me is, I think, the idea that my time in Minnesota is for now drawing rapidly to a close. How odd it is to think that after a week’s time from now (!!!) Ryan will be on the road to Austin and will never return to this apartment as a resident, only to sleep a night in our bed, pack that bed and many boxes in a U-Haul and drive the nineteen hours from MSP to ATX yet again. For all of our not-love of this tiny, run-down, worst-aspects-of-midcentury-design apartment, we have a serviceable, easy, and affordable place to live in a fantastic area of Minneapolis (if one can ignore the U-25 crowd, which trust me, one cannot always). What will we find in Texas?

What is most striking about this is the fact that our March 2009 to present residency here has quite literally been the longest of any residence I’ve had in the last decade! Shall we take a tour?

9/2002: 21 Classic Ave Toronto ON Canada
9/2003: 506 Huron Toronto ON Canada
6/2004: 9555 Dogwood Cir Eden Prairie MN USA
9/2005: 95 Redpath Ave Toronto ON Canada
9/2006: 6724 W 82nd St Bloomington MN USA
9/2007: 1718 Fremont Ave S Minneapolis MN USA
3/2008: 112 W 26th St Minneapolis MN USA
3/2009: 2655 Colfax Ave S Minneapolis MN USA

That’s a lot of moves.

I’m not looking forward to the next week, which will be a flurry of “Last!” and “Farewell!” and other words that are the seed of emotional outpourings, which I shy away from naturally, even though I crave them on some level. It’s really the hours after Ryan turns down Lyndale Ave, left on Lake St, left onto the 35W ramp, that I dread. The hours where the sheets still smell like him, where he’s left laundry in the basket and there are the dishes that he ate his runny eggs and toast off of that morning that should be washed, where I am still maybe expecting him to walk through the door, at any moment, and I think about texting him asking what he wants for dinner. God damned sentimentality, Lauren, didn’t I just pooh-pooh myself three paragraphs above for this kind of nonsense? Wasn’t I begging for this exact situation only eight months ago?

Reaction: mine is happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad, and it’s never the same one moment to the next. All I know is that growth and change and adaptation and evolution can never a bad thing, even if it leads somewhere that is uncomfortable or painful to start with, it always leads towards better and better things.

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